Kevin In Wonderland
by Skye1963
Summary: #5 of the Little Children verse. Kevin needed answers from Sam as to why the hunter never looked for him after Dick Roman was killed. What he heard surprised him. Sam finally gets to explain his actions from Lazarus Rising to the end of Season 8. angst warning


_#5 of the Little Children verse. In this story, Kevin comes to terms with his feelings of anger with Sam. _

_As usual, I don't own Supernatural or its characters. That joy belongs to Eric Kripke._

Kevin in Wonderland

Kevin was wondering why he still lived in the bunker with two beings who had hurt him…well three if you count the time that Dean tried to kill his mother while she was possessed by Crowley. But it was Sam and Crowley that he was still very angry with. He was angry at Sam for abandoning him. Sam had ditched all his cell phones so Kevin was unable to contact the younger Winchester after he escaped Crowley and his crew. He was angry at Crowley for three main things: torturing him, killing his mother and killing his girlfriend. He really didn't know why he was still there except when Dean brought Sam back, his own conscience wouldn't let him leave. Especially when he found out that he had been used by Metatron and Sam almost ended up dying because of his unfinished translations of the Demon Tablet. So he stayed, even though Crowley showed up.

Now, that Sam was on the mend, albeit very weak, Kevin wanted answers. He waited until both Cas and Dean were out of Sam's room since he had a feeling that the hunter didn't want to talk in front of them. He didn't understand that but he respected Sam's unspoken wishes. Finally, his chance came when Dean, Cas and Charlie went out to buy a computer to modify so they would be able to contact Ash in The Roadhouse in Heaven. Sam was still too weak to go out and Dean left orders that Sam had to be on total bed rest until they got back.

Kevin waited for fifteen minutes after the group had left so he was assured they wouldn't be back any time soon then he went to Sam's room. Knocking on the door, he waited until Sam's low voice called out, "Come in."

When Kevin entered, Sam gestured to the chair that Dean had placed between his and Cas' beds, "Please sit down. I'd get up but Dean would kill me if he found out. When he says complete bed rest, he really means it," Sam babbled.

"It's okay, really. I mean, I heard Dean threaten you with a shot of something to put you to sleep," Kevin said. He ran his hands through his hair nervously. "Um, can I talk to you about something that's been bothering me?"

Sam sat up against the headboard and answered, "Sure, Kevin. What's on your mind?"

Kevin fidgeted some more, looking around the room that housed Cas and Sam. He had seen Sam's room before Cas came to live with them and knew it had been Spartan in its decorations. Now, though, there were paintings, deeply colored glass objects and a drawing among the new things. There was even a stuffed toy dog by Sam while a stuff toy rabbit lay on the other bed. The bedding was even colored with ruby reds and moss greens. The carpeting on the floor was a golden color and very clean. The furniture was wood, made of ash. All in all, it was a beautiful and warm room. Cas had a great eye, Kevin thought.

Sam waited patiently, sipping on the water his brother had left for him. Finally Kevin looked him in the eye and asked, "Why? Why didn't you look for me or even your brother? You must have known we were in trouble but you left us anyway."

Carefully, Sam put his glass down on the nightstand between the beds. Gathering his thoughts, he answered. What he said surprised Kevin and explained everything. "Um, when Dean first went to Hell for me, I tried everything to get him out even though he told me to go live my life. I went to shamans, crossroad demons, reapers, witches and others. I even tried spells and prayers but nothing worked. I was a bit suicidal and went after all the demons I could find. You see, I wanted to go out with a bang so I was on a mission to kill as many of them before they killed me. Then Ruby came along. She told me she knew of a way to get Dean out and that was to kill Lilith but before I did, I needed to force the demon to bring my brother back since she was the one who held his contract. Ruby got me hooked on her blood and using my powers to the point I wasn't really me anymore but I thought I was doing something good. Now, I know that she had cast a spell on me to keep me blinded to what she was really doing, no matter what had been revealed. Anyway, after Dean came back, to say he was angry at me for not following his last words was an understatement. He pointed out that Bobby had been there to help me out as well as Ellen and Jo but he didn't understand the deep sorrow I felt. He should have since he had felt the same way when our dad died.

"He felt that I had betrayed him with Ruby, with my powers and with my addiction. I had a very hard time dealing with it. So much so that when I had a chance, I took Lucifer and Michael to Hell. I wanted to stay there since I knew I deserved it for disappointing my brother. Now, you could ask me what this has to do with your question and the answer is this: Dean and I promised each other that, if something happened to the other, we wouldn't try to 'rescue' the one gone. He had done that when I was in the cage. He had kept his promise and went to live with Lisa and Ben. It was only when my soulless self came back into his life that he got back into hunting. I still feel guilty about tearing him from his normal life.

"When he and Cas were sucked into Purgatory, I tried once again to get them out. I knew the spell to open the doorway to Purgatory but I couldn't risk letting the Leviathans out again. Besides, one of the components to the spell was the blood of a virgin and I wouldn't kill someone to do that. My soulless self could but then he would have just left them to rot in Purgatory with a song on his lips." Sam started to cough. Kevin got up and poured another glass of water and put it into his hands. Sam smiled gratefully then drank. He gave the glass back to Kevin who put it back on the nightstand. Sam continued, "I tried summoning Angels and one, Naomi, came to me. She told me there was no way they could mount an attack on Purgatory just for Dean. It hurt so very much. She told me that I needed to kill the remaining Leviathans since it would be something Dean would want me to do. Still, that spell was so much on my mind that I kept a flask of blood from the next Leviathan I killed. I kept killing them, taking them on two, three at a time and every time I did, I kept thinking 'This was for Cas, for Dean, for Meg and for Kevin.'

"You were the other one I had tried to rescue but without any kind of backup, I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't even find you. I tried tracking spells that Ruby had taught me but Crowley must have had a dampening spell on you because there was nothing. I went to other hunters who told me that I needed to stay away from them otherwise they would make sure I went to Hell. I interrogated demons using things I learned personally from Lucifer, not my best moment. I tried everything. Nobody could tell me what happened to you or even Meg because I tried to find her too." Sam stopped. His eyes filled with tears which he wiped away in an angry gesture. "Uh, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh, yeah. So after a while, I had to stop. Don't tell Dean this but I started to hear and see Lucifer again. He kept telling me what a loser I was and that everyone who was around me died."

There was a noise outside of the room. At Sam's unspoken request, Kevin got up to look around. He didn't see anything. He failed to notice that the door to Dean's room, which had been closed all the way was now cracked open a hair's width. When he got back, he sat down and said, "Nobody there, man."

"'kay. Thanks. I know that Dean doesn't like secrets, says they just get in the way but I could never tell him half the stuff I'm telling you. He never wanted to hear it when I tried before so I don't even try anymore. Anyway, it got so bad that I decided that I needed to check out, permanently. I was on the way to the Grand Canyon where I planned to drive the Impala over a cliff…"

Kevin interrupted, "Why the Grand Canyon?"

"It was somewhere Dean had always wanted to go but never did. Heh, I thought it would make a nice sacrifice to the memory of my brother who was trapped in Purgatory. I actually thought that I was enough of a monster that, when I died, I could be there to watch his back. At the very least, I thought that if I went to Hell, maybe I could rescue you and Meg. It didn't matter to me that I would be dead, just that I could finally help you.

"Uh, I was on my way but I hit a dog…Riot. He led me to Amelia who actually helped me to keep my promise to Dean. She…uh…she was kind, especially when I had nightmares and hallucinations. It was because of Amelia that I was able to put Lucifer back in the box in my mind and it was because of Amelia that I am sitting here today. See, I still felt unworthy of life so, one day while I was visiting Riot in the Vet's clinic, I stole a bottle of Ketamine and some syringes." Kevin started at that, he knew that Ketamine was a powerful anesthetic which was used in human and veterinary medicine. "Yeah, well I had loaded up a few of the syringes all the way and had them on my bed when Amelia came over. She was very upset since a bottle of medicine had gone missing just after I left but when she saw what I had planned, she was cautious to say the least. It took all night before she took the stuff and put it away.

"Like Ruby, Amelia saved my life but unlike Ruby, she did it out of the kindness of her heart and soul. She told me that loss like mine was very hard to bear, especially alone. That was when she told me about her loss of her husband. We must have drunk about a bottle of Jack before we finally passed out. When we woke up, she pocketed the Ketamine and said she would take care of it. We never mentioned it again.

"After Riot was healed, she made me take him, saying that he would help my feelings of loss. It wasn't too long after that that we moved in together. Kevin, she really helped. I was feeling like the biggest loser and Amelia made me feel special, like I was worth the air I was breathing…"

Kevin interrupted, "Sam, you are worth so much! I wish you could see it."

Sam looked down at his hands and said in a very low voice, "Dad used to tell me that I wasn't a very good hunter or son. Right before he died, he yelled at me for not shooting him and killing Azazel but I couldn't. I saw that I would lose Dean if I had so I shot Dad in the leg. I yelled at Dad that some things were worth more than hunting and when he asked me what, I said family was worth more than vengeance. It was right after our argument that he made the deal with Azazel and died so Dean would live.

"Dad was hard for me to live with. He threw me out of the family when I told him that I was going to Stanford. He would make me do things over and over, no matter how good I had already done them. The sparring he made me do was agony since I was so much smaller than Dean until I hit seventeen. I couldn't seem to do anything right for him. When Dean came back from Hell, it was like I was living with Dad mark VII. It felt like I lost my brother forever and gained another John Winchester. Still does, some times since it seems that I can't ever get anything right." Sam started coughing hard. Kevin pulled the ailing man up and onto his shoulder as he did a rhythmic patting on Sam's back designed to help bring mucous up out of the lungs. Finally, the coughing stopped and Kevin carefully put Sam back up by the headboard. Grabbing the glass of water, he put it in Sam's hand and watched as Sam sipped the water slowly.

When he was done, he handed the glass back to Kevin, "Thanks, man. Look, I know I hurt you when I ditched the cells and it seemed like I went on with my life but, after a while, I had to if I wanted to live. Amelia gave that…that zest for life back to me. It was something I think I lost back at Cold Oak." Sam's voice got even lower. Kevin found he had to lean in to hear what Sam had to say, "Sometimes, most of the time, I wish Dean had left me dead. Then most of this mess wouldn't have happened. Or so I thought until Jay told me that Jake would have agreed to be Lucifer's vessel and Dean would have been Michael's. After the fighting was done, there would have been nothing left of Dean. Jay said that the world would have suffered greatly if my brother left me dead."

"Sam? When did you talk to Jay?" Kevin wanted to know.

Sam looked up and met Kevin's eyes. He smiled sweetly then said, "When I made my confession before purifying Crowley. Jay came to me and we had a talk. He told me that I had been forgiven of all my sins."

"Did you tell Dean?" Kevin wanted to know.

Sam shook his head. "Right before I went into the church, I said that I would have to confess. Of course, Dean couldn't leave anything alone and said I should confess about not looking for him, the demon blood, Ruby and using my powers. What I confessed was all the time I had let him down. Guess that covered all of my sins since I was able to purify Crowley."

"Sam, Dean said that you wanted to finish the spell, even though he told you that it would kill you. Why?" Kevin asked.

Sam squirmed at that question but he answered honestly, "Even when I was real young, I could tell that there was something wrong with me. I kinda figured that Dad knew something was up which was why he acted towards me like he had. I really wasn't his son since Azazel dripped his blood in my mouth when I was six months old. Like before, I just wanted my life to be over. Dean's the strong one-he could live if I died. I couldn't and look what that got me. I live only because Dean wants me to. Cas wants me to. Crowley wants me to. Jay wants me to. Do you want me to live?"

Kevin thought about everything that Sam had told him. He knew that Sam had told him the truth, painful though it was. What was said had only been told to Jay and, now, to him. It was a burden but one that he would gladly bear for this man. Looking Sam straight in the eye, Kevin said, "Yes. I want you to live. I understand now that you had never abandoned me, not willingly. If you need it, I forgive you. Please live because the world, our family would not survive your passing. I am honored to call you my brother."

Sam dipped his head towards his chest. Fat, hot tears coursed down his face. Kevin gathered Sam into his arms and whispered comforting words. After a while, the tears slowed then stopped. Kevin laid Sam back on his pillows and wiped his face. Before he left Sam to sleep, he whispered, "Love you big brother."

Sam smiled sleepily and whispered back, "Love you too, little brother."

When Kevin finally closed Sam's door, he turned around only to find Dean and Cas standing there, tears in their eyes.

"Tell me how do I fix this?" Dean asked the Prophet.

Kevin thought for a minute then said, "Talk to him. Listen to what he has to say and don't judge him for anything. Sam is loving and very forgiving to everyone but himself. You need to help him forgive himself."

Dean nodded then walked to Sam's door. Opening it, he allowed Cas to enter. Dean turned around to Kevin and said. "Thank you. Love you little brother."

Kevin smiled and replied, "You're welcome. Love you too, big brother." He watched as Dean entered the room and closed the door. Soon, he could hear murmurs coming from the room. He knew that healing was going on and he smiled. He had his answers. Sam was human with a huge weight on his shoulders. With his family helping, Sam would heal both physically and emotionally. Kevin went to the kitchen where he prepared a stew his mother had always made him whenever he wasn't feeling well. A gift for his brother. His own heart healed as he cooked.

_A/N-I know on the show, when Amelia told Sam about her husband, Sam already had Riot since the dog led him to her. I just tweaked the timeline a bit to fit the story. *Smiles*_


End file.
